“This Power has in each case accomplished the miraculous, the humanly impossible…there has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking.”    -Alcoholics Anonymous p. 50

There have been so many profound truths I have learned in Overeaters Anonymous that can be blueprints for living, but the most helpful one for me is this: for a person to recover from this deadly addiction of compulsive over-eating, there must be a source of strength fueling the process. Perseverance & great character alone won’t produce lasting success, nor meticulous food planning & exercise. The guiding force of the 12-step program is a solid faith in a Higher Power (whom I call God) who is big enough to move mountains & perform miracles. And that’s what happens as a person transitions through the steps relying on the daily strength from his/her Higher Power, who then enables this person to go to any lengths necessary to work these difficult steps.

This truth has been my experience for the past 3 years as I began going through the step process.  Many times my disease got so bad that everything in me wanted to quit. However, God would not let me. And one thing I began noticing as I went along was each time I failed & then eventually started again, I felt stronger & more hopeful. For about a year & a half this roller coaster way of life became my new normal. But I kept coming to meetings, using the tools & trusting that one day some sort of steady abstinence would happen. All the while I was investing a lot of time getting to know God & praying like I’ve never prayed in my life. Then a year and a half ago after stuffing my face with all kinds of decadent Thanksgiving food items & then wallowing around in guilt for a couple of days, God gave me the courage to try once again. And lo & behold, 19 months later my abstinence is still strong & living in recovery is beyond exciting, thanks to the grace & mercy of God who would not let me give up. This is not to say that there are no challenging days anymore, but I now have all kinds of OA tools to use that help me cope with the restlessness, boredom, etc. that used to cause me to eat. My mindset these days is I don’t want to waste another moment of my life pursuing things that don’t matter, when there’s a whole bunch of truly meaningful activities that have lasting value. For me, that’s a life worth living!

“I pray that I will always be teachable and open to the experiences of others.”                                             – Voices of Recovery p.201

Before I walked through the doors of OA, I felt as if I was living the life of an imposter. The disease of compulsive overeating was having its way with me. I wanted to be kind, generous and compassionate towards others, but mostly I was raging inside. I was quick to harshly judge everyone, myself included. My compulsive eating behaviors helped flame the fires of rage and judgement. I could not stop the cycles of the disease.

Once I’d gotten a sponsor and started working the Steps, I began to experience some relief. I began to remember more often that there was no way I could possibly manage my disease or stop being an imposter. In the middle of working Steps 4 – 7, I found myself on the receiving end of unconditional love. It was being offered to me by my HP, and by my sponsor. Miraculously, as I continued with Steps 8 and 9, I also discovered that I did feel kindness and compassion towards others – very much so.

Today I am still a compulsive overeater, even on the days when I am gifted with abstinence and sanity. This morning, I decided to read several of the entries in Voices of Recovery that spoke about compassion. I knew they would help me remember! I took my time reading each of them and quickly noticed a common thread – humility. For me, I know that I can’t experience authentic kindness, generosity or compassion towards others or myself without humility. As it says on page 201 of Voices of Recovery, “I pray that I will always be teachable and open to the experiences of others” so that I might live a humble, gratitude-filled life – where kindness and compassion can continue to grow.

I am writing this entry as we are well into our second month of self isolating and social distancing during the covid-19 pandemic. The groups and meetings I attend are virtual, and I’m deeply grateful for them. Without my OA family banding together to support one another I don’t know how I would be doing at this time. My personal recovery- which for me is defined as refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors- depends on my relationships with my Higher Power, my sponsor, the steps and literature, and other OA family members. Many times, my higher power speaks to me through other members on the phone and in meetings. I need to hear the message of recovery. What has also been revealed to me recently is that I also need to be continuously, actively working the steps with my higher power and my sponsor. Actively, for me, means writing. My disease does not take vacations, and I can’t let my recovery take a vacation either. Without the unity of my groups and friends in OA, I would not be able to experience personal recovery. I am so grateful for the love, support and patience of the members who walk ahead of me on this journey. Thank you for sharing your experience strength and hope with me so that I may find personal recovery. Thank you for gently repeating the solution and your experience with working the steps. Thank you for loving me when I could not love myself. Where would I be if members worked the steps, reached their goal weight, and graduated? I would have no one to look to for guidance. I pray that I may carry the message to the new comer and returning members who still suffer as patiently, kindly and gently as it has been carried to me. Always to extend the hand and heart of OA to all who share my compulsion. For this, I am responsible. Keep coming back ‘cause it works if WE work it.

“Many of us have found that we cannot abstain from compulsive eating unless we use some or all of OA’s nine tools of recovery.” – The Tools of Recovery pamphlet

After several years in OA I can finally say I am abstinent.  I cannot say the exact moment that it finally clicked for me, but once it did, WOW!
*Looking back I can see that going to meetings, listening, and forming relationships started softening my heart and changing me from the inside.
*Reading OA literature started me thinking and questioning my choices and the life that I was living.
*Writing helps me to see the person I had become and beliefs I was holding that did not serve me well.
*Reaching out by text or phone calls was a humbling experience for me.  It started opening my heart and mind that it was not just about me. That I was touching other people who were stuck in their own battles and lies with compulsive overeating.
*Serving others by leading meetings, setting up, or cleaning up keeps me feeling a part of the group.  It also lets me put myself out there in a loving, safe environment.
*Spending time with my HP sends me inward, changing how I see myself, others, and the world around me. Letting me know that I am never without hope and help.
*Sharing with my sponsor pushes me to start trusting and believing in personal relationships. Something that I had no longer believed myself capable.
*Working the steps gives me daily direction.  They show me how to live humbly with my Higher Power at the center and looking for ways that I can touch others, especially those that share my compulsive overeating.

“You never have to compulsively eat ever again.”  – Anonymous
 
I recall a moment when I was first in the rooms of OA and a recovering member declared this in a meeting. It was so powerful and crashed over me like a wave. Such hope and promise! I am feeling this hope and optimism on the cusp of the turning of the calendar. 
 
I do not have to compulsively eat ever again. 
I can choose to surrender. Allow the feelings to simply be. Lift the desire up to my Higher Power. Remind myself of the Truth to quiet the lies the disease whispers in my ear. 
I no longer am alone and can text an OA friend. 
The desire will pass. I will not die. 
Use the tools of a food plan and an action plan to keep me in safety. 
Maintain daily practices to stay spiritually connected. 
Relax. 
 
May your journey today be one of peace and freedom!

Today I shall continue to lean into program,

To exercise even when I don’t feel like it,

To relax into abstinence and not fight it,

To pause and experience life instead of rushing thru it,

To focus my attention on gratitudes and positive thoughts even if it seems naive,

To be mature when maturity is called for and to be childlike when childlike wonder and play is called for,

To reach out for Power & Strength when needed instead of trying to go it alone,

To be in balance with what I have to do and what I want to do and to leave *space* for the unexpected,

To live!

“The remedy of all blunders, the cure of blindness, the cure of crime, is love.” Ralph Waldo Emerson  For Today Aug. 19

Because of my past, my defects of character, and my lack of experience with forgiveness and tolerance- it has taken me many years to accept the love that is offered to me in this program.  In the past I learned to falter- to break promises and to fail people as a way of pushing them away.  The safe “buffer zone” of broken commitments that keeps me at a distance and in a state of self-loathing and guilt. 

So many times, I have taken my sponsor and the meetings for granted- only to be accepted back- without reservation.  Loving arms open wide to me- if only my self-defeating mind would remember that I am a part of a family that knows exactly where I am, have been, and am bound for if I continue to take this journey that the Big Book maps out for me. 

This keeps me mindful that even though I have these defects of character- my sponsor and fellow members will lovingly accept me as I am without the need to “test” them or push them away.  To trust that I will always have a place to go, and that I am no longer alone.