The False Comfort of Self-Pity

Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know.  It is bar to all spiritual progress and can cut off all effective communication with our fellows because of its inordinate demands for attention and sympathy.  It is a maudlin form of martyrdom which we can ill afford.

                                                                                                 As Bill Sees It, pg. 238.

Since coming to OA 3 years ago I have been very fortunate to lose a significant amount of weight.  However, over the past year I have had some health issues that have caused me to gain most of it back.  Several months went by before I found the right diagnosis, as well as several wrong diagnoses.  Week after week I would cry when I saw that scale.  By some miracle though I have stayed abstinent through it all.  As this progressed, my mind desperately wanted to drift into self-pity.  Even though I know it blocks me from the Higher Power that keeps me abstinent, I still wanted something or someone to blame.  After I recognized that I was surely going to lose my abstinence if I continued on this path, I had nothing left but to pick up the kit of spiritual tools laid at my feet.  I worked all 12 steps again with my sponsor.  I reevaluated my food and added a few more foods to my Trigger Food List.  I tried my best to increase my exercise and I increased my service work.  It has been 4 months since I started medication for my illness.  I have stopped gaining but I’m not losing either.  Once again, I want to get into self-pity. For me it is a delicate balance of expressing my feelings and emotions but knowing when I have crossed the line into life-threatening self-inflicted sorrow.  I’m saying all of this to say that whatever the situation is, and justified as I might think I am, I do not have the luxury of succumbing to the woe-is-me attitude.  With the program I am gradually reprogramming my mind to be grateful and to help someone less fortunate than me.  Without the weight gain I might never have been diagnosed with this illness.  And how much worse would this have been if I had not been abstinent!

I may not see where this path I am on is going, but I am positive my HP has all of it under control.