“Living life on life’s terms…”
I want the world to stop while I’m working the 12 steps. I want to be able to just focus on them and nothing else. Throughout life when I have been going through difficult things I have just wanted the world to stop, so I could check out of my life. My internal monologue wondered, “can’t the world just stop, don’t they know…. my Dad died…. I was abused…. I need a break…. I’m going through the 12 steps…” Part of my disease is that I want the world to revolve around me. I am learning in Overeaters Anonymous that the world keeps turning even when bad things happen. There is never going to be the perfect time to lose weight, work the steps or get my life on track. I have to work on these things every day, while also participating in the rest of my life. It’s hard and it’s not always fun, but day by day I am trying to work the steps while still dealing with messy relationships, work, grocery shopping, my cat and everything else that comes along with living. I don’t do any of this perfectly, but I try my best not to slip into feeling sorry for myself. Some tools that have helped me are: reaching out to program friends, calling my sponsor, writing and doing my step work.
Reaching out to program friends, helps me remember I’m not alone in this. Program friends understand me like no one else can. They know the pain of trying to control this disease through will power alone.. They give me strength when I want to give in. Calling my sponsor reminds me that I have disease. She points out the conniving ways my disease tricks my brain. My sponsor is my daily dose of reality. I have spent so long in the disease of compulsive eating, that I’m not always able to recognize the many lies it tells me. Writing helps me see my life in a way living it never can. I have recently finished my 4th Step and I have learned so much about myself in the process. Writing is helping me to learn that I am not a bad person just because I’ve done bad things, like the literature says, “we are not failures just because we sometimes fail.” I am learning through my writing and step work to accept myself as a fallible human being. To others this is a given, but for me, the idea that I don’t have to be perfect all the time is freedom. It will take time to change my thought patterns, just as it took time to learn them. I am here for the long haul and grateful for all the gifts this program continues to give me.